Yesterday I recovered my old Live Journal account. My posts were from June-December of 2006.
Now that was about the time that I got saved and I used to think I was perfect then. But reading those blogs almost 5 years later made me realize a few things.
1. When I first got saved, I was too dependant on others for my salvation. Almost every post was about this girl I was seeing at the time. My posts were about God, but all of them tanked her for being in my life and none of them thanked God for being in my life. There was also one post about how some spiritual leaders in my life really let me down.
I guess I've come to realize that my salvation is between God and I. No one can take that away and no one can make me love Him more. It's a personal relationship.
2. I was selfish. None of my posts were about helping other people. All of my posts were about MY salvation. Even when I would talk about witnessing, it was only to impress the girl I was with. In one post I said something along the lines of "Today the youth band played in front of the congregation. I think I played guitar pretty well, even though the band as a whole didn't sound too great." I was pretty much saying "we sucked but it wasn't my fault"
I've learned that my life is here for others. I may not practice it every day, but I'm definately more aware of it now than I was then. AND WHEN i think of the youth worship team now, I never compare how I did with the rest of the band. I don't know if it is because I'm in charge now or what. But I've come to realize that the worship team is a unit and what solely matters is ushering in the presence of God. Whether I preformed well or not is irrelevant.
3. I learned that I was in desperate need of that 2.2 upgrade. Yes I was JD 2.0 and I was saved. But still desperatly needed change. I thought I had it together but I didn't. The upgrade process was tough.
I'll never forget the night I ran up to my room, and prayed "God I need to be humbled" and tears stared to flow from my eyes, I was broken.
But what I know is that the Bible says that one day we are going to have to give an account, and when we do we will recieve a crown for what we've done, and we will cast them at the feet of Jesus.
I don't know if I will be proud or ashamed of my crown. I don't know I'll be able to look Jesus in the eye. But I do know that when I hear the words "Well done good and faithfull servant" all my failures will be far behind.
well that's it for tonight...goodnight and God bless.
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